Baked beans on toast and a whole load more

Baked beans on toast - jokes to the usual address please

Heinz are said to be trialling a thrilling new product in New Zealand: Baked Beans on Toast. No, really they are. The difference this time is that the beans come in a frozen wodge between two (frozen) pieces of bread ready to be placed direct into the toaster.

As yet, there has been no word as to what happens when the whole lot warms up. A goey toaster methinks.

He said what?

A veiled reference to Blair, Brown and that clown Geldof?

"May I say without guile, I am as sick of messianic rock stars as the next man, woman and child. I am also tired of average work being given extra weight because it's attached to something with real gravitas..." Bono

Don't get me wrong, I admire Bono's achievement in raising the public profile of such important issues... but!

Bono, Guest Editor: I am a witness. What can I do?

Taxi driver consults on identity theft

A surprised London cabby found himself passing judgement on the recent Apple v Apple court case. Guy Goma (London taxi driver) was mistaken by BBC programme assistant (red face) for Guy Kewney, IT guru (laughing outside BBC HQ waiting for his taxi). While the rumour is that the BBC wiped the tapes, you can watch the episode in full courtesy of the Mail. Just follow the link below.

that BBC cabbie interview in full

Pilots hear the voice of God

Pilots on transatlantic flights into Dublin have been complaining about bursts of static on approach to Dublin airport. Now it appears that these mysterious broadcasts could be the work of God. Priests from several churches in Countys Kildare, Meath and Kilkenny have been warned by ComReg (the Irish communications regulator) about unlicensed broadcasts from their churches. In reaching out to the masses, the housebound and those who simply enjoy listening to their local priest in the comfort of their own homes, the three priests had inadvertently been cutting across the air traffic control frequencies.

Lilian Cassin of the Irish Aviation Authority said, "None of the pilots actually reported hearing prayers or hymns coming over the airwaves, but what prompted our suspicions was the regular timings of the disturbances. Our controllers couldn't hear the static on the ground." A case of celestial intervention?

Chilli Peppers get steamed up over downloads

Not much to this one other than as a follow up to pirates of the Caribbean; the Chilli's have gotten a little hot under the collar after there latest album was made available online (illegally, needless to say) three weeks before it was due to be released. In an emotional letter bassist Michael "Flea" Balzary spoke of the hurt and anguish at the thought that Chili fans might deprive the guitar legends of a few hard earned spondoullies.

Pirates of the Caribbean reduce Hollywood to rags

Pity the poor film star, and add him/her to your list of endangered species. Pirates have raided the once bulging coffers of Hollywood to the tune of $6.1bn annually. Or so claims Hollywood's admiral in chief LEK Consulting LLC.

Interestingly the study cost $3m and was commissioned by the Motion Picture Association of America.

Da Vinci code court judgement decoded

Oh, what wags our high court judges are. Not content with handing down a verdict, the judge (Mr Justice Peter Smith) in the recent "Da Vinci code case" decided to add his own cryptic clue to the ruling. Following the Fibonacci Sequence, Mr Justice Smith inserted the following message "Jackie Fisher, who are you? Dreadnought" into the written ruling.

full story here

Satnav on course to take over world

You can lead a horse to water but can you make it drink? The answer would seem to be yes if the "horse" is being led by an in-car Satnav system. Despite warnings of deep water, dozens of motorists have ended up stranded in the river Avon in Wiltshire after being directed around local road works by their satellite navigation systems.

Now, I have to ask, but one can safely presume that said motorists are capable (and I use the word capable with some reservation here) of independent thought. So, is this an early sign of the "rise of the machines"? Or, has the DVLA come up with a cunning new method of testing common sense in drivers? Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

The philosophy of Jimmy Carr

Try typing the above into Google and what comes up top? That's right, nothing! (Almost - there is a link to comedy central with clips from the gameshow "distraction" with a link titled "blink electrocution". Sadly, it's not Jimmy being tingled). So, I thought I would see if I could start something along the lines of "wise old Jimmy Carr says..."

So here it is, the philosophy of little Jimmy Carr If Jimmy Carr tells a joke and a studio audience is there to hear it, can anyone bear to laugh? Emphatically - no. Even if the collection of words are technically a "joke", Jimmy Carr just isn't funny. Love him or hate him the man just isn't funny

Rummy world quotes

Al-Jazeera buys black and white Welsh sheep

"I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past - I think the past was not predictable when it started."
"For people to waste their time chasing that rabbit, only to run it down and find they've got the wrong rabbit, I think is a shame."

And here's one from BBC2's the Armstrongs

Read John Armstrong's views on life here

"Fame is a funny old business. It can open doors for you. Me and Ann went for a meal recently and Ann got extra mash and I got an egg. I thought 'I like this'."

Kelly announces School reforms

The lastest proposals from the education minister include improvements to the geography curriculum as well as a new emphasis on entrepreneurship at any cost!

Sadly there's just not enough hours in the day to fully enjoy this tragicomic life. Here are two stories for you all to ponder;

Ryanair loses airport
Can anyone read a map?

They didn't teach that in economics when I was at school!
Pupils import torture tools

 

Revealed!!!

Ming the merciless and his secret member MP programme
The Lib Dems have lost one old model game show Charlie only to replace him with a newer version. In the process exposing Ming the Merciless' secret programme to develop a new bread of super MP. The Right Hon. Julia Goldsworthy (MP for Falmouth and Camborne), currently appearing in the Channel 4 spectacle known as "The Games", looks all set to follow in the (previous) great leaders footsteps. Far be it for me to pass judgement, oh what the heck. Can she really believe that by appearing on this paltry excuse for TV in a Green Leotard that she could maybe
A: promote sport. (Come on girl, get out doors, go climbing.)
B: appeal in some strange way to "da yoof"
C: I've lost the will to live just thinking about it.

Scottish swimmers outrun sharks.

Aussie dirty tricks backfire
Suspicions that the Aussies have been letting sharks loose with competitors in Melbourne were confirmed with the latest results from the pool in Melbourne. At the last count Scotland had won 8 golds, six from the pool. Congratulations to everyone involved.

See some fashion sense

It's Fair Trade Fortnight and Terramar is treading the boards. You can see pieces from our collection at Fair Trade Fashion shows around the country.

That Berlitz Ad

Berlitz, the German travel and language publishers, have released this amusing little clip. You will need sound and Windows media player (sorry Mac aficionados). This clip is embeded into a page and has been scanned for viruses.

Play Berlitz Ad

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton set to play Mother Teresa

Paris Hilton to play Mother Teresa


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